Family Dynamics

Ya know how you go through your adolesence and you think your family just doesn't understand you? Well I feel that way any time I'm around my family, and especially around my parents or during family gatherings. I just have anxiety.  I can deal with them individually, but as a group I get overwhelmed. Anytime a conversation starts, and I chime in, I always get interrupted, or someone else has to one-up me and my words aren't validated, or even worse; I get my thoughts tangled and my words come out backwards, and I say things that aren't what I mean to say. Plus having a bad long term memory doesn't help. I can't remember detailed things from long ago, I can remember the general story, but my siblings especially Brian, loves to make fun of me for it.

So I generally just sit and listen. I've become an observer. I become critical of myself, because of the vocabulary I don't know, or the topics I'm not familiar with and I just listen. Actions Speak Louder than Words.

I can only handle my family in small doses. When planning a family vacation, I just want to run away.  This past winter, I spent a whole month with my family, and wanted to kill myself. I told myself I would never do that again.  Today my brother Andy and Tara, his girlfriend; had to leave for Chico and my mom brought up Christmas plans. So Tara brought up that her dad rented a house for the entire winter up in Tahoe, CA, and when would we like to go up? Considering my last run in with winter and the snow, I was not thrilled to go. Then for Christmas? forget about it!?! Even having breakfast with them for an hour and a half has put me in a funk, enough to write this. I told them if it was for a week, I wouldn't not go. For two days, I was good to go. They just don't understand. Then they persisted to ask me where I wanted to go? I told them they didn't want to know. (Because, it's not where I go, it's who I'm with). In the mountains in the cold, I can't escape. In the sea, I can escape anytime I want, I need my time away from them, and I need a lot of it per day if I'm trapped in a certain location with them. I think I'm gunna call Andy and Tara and explain.